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Number 1: Top Ten Comicbook Issues of 2004, Part 1

Ok, first things first. We now have spam blacklists and blocking capability for the Bigwhoop, and I have to say it absolutely rocks my socks off! If even just for the button you hit when you select the websites that you want to block from commenting (netpoker.com, cialis.ram, whatever). The button itself is to block the sites and report them to some central blacklist. Above it asks 'Do you want to report these sites?' while the button itself says 'Go forth and do my bidding.' How sweet is that?

Anyway, as promised, I bring you my final list. A far more detailed one than its predecessor, this has been a work in progress for a while now, since it is such a hefty list. I'll be publishing it in installments, much the same as Jack did his Top Ten Albums list.

Not much more to say, other than to start . .


Number 10: B.P.R.D. The Dead, #1
Mike Mignola and Guy Davis

The Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense is the only US agency equipped to respond to cases of the bizzare and macabre. In fact, BPRD is the only agency where the agents themselves are bizzare and macabre. From Lobster Johnson, the 'Spirit' style detective of old, to Johann Krauss, the psychic medium who's body was destroyed as he explored the ethereal plane, the agents of BPRD have histories as muddled and crazy as the mysteries they pursue.

A great way to enhance any story is to tie the conflict in somehow with the personal history of the protagonists. Mignola knows this, Hellboy being the prime example of a hero who's very nature drives the conflict he has to face (he's the unwilling bringer of the apocalypse, and has to try and prevent others from using the power within him to destroy the world). After Hellboy leaves the Bureau, however, we're left with some cool secondary characters to move into the spotlight.

For the past few years, then, Mignola and others have developed the BPRD team in to one of complex and thoughtful characters. Roger, the frankenstien monster of veggies and dung, has ben spotlighted as a sad, simple man. Liz Sherman, the pyrokinetic, has grown increasingly stable and mature. But truly, the leadership and focus of the group in Hellboy's absence has fallen on Abe Sapien, the fish-man.

Until the final issue of the Plague of Frogs story, we believed Abe was the created product of science. It was in this issue that we discovered Abe had been human at one time, a man named Langdon Everett Caul.

In the first issue of The Dead, Abe sets out to discover who this man, Caul, was in his former life. And suddenly, we get the twist.

The reason The Dead, #1 is so great is because of what it reveals about the characters history: that in his former life as an explorer/adventurer, Caul was part of the crew of Elihu Cavendish, the very man who drove Abe to destroy Rasputin at the climax of the original Hellboy story, Seed of Destruction!

Now we see that Abe has a much more crucial role in the history of Hellboy than coincidence could allow. It's a great turn of events, and the very reason this issue made number 10 on the list.


Number 9: The Goon #8
Eric Powell

I should start off by saying that this is the very first and indeed almost the only issue of The Goon that I've yet read. It was enough. From this issue alone, I was easily able to see and enjoy some of the complexities within this title.

From a skim, The Goon is both a dark horror comic with zombies, ghosts and vampires, and a darkly humorous comic with bizzare characters and witty dialogue. The Goon himself is a darkly comic character: a sadly scarred oaf with nothing but brute force and strength to aid him, and seemingly little 'heroic' motivation at all.

The story in issue #8, called 'The Vampire Dame had to DIE!' deals with an ancient succubus that comes forth to draw the life out of men as they sleep. As all the men in town fall victim to her power ('Do you love me?' she asks. 'I have always loved you,' the men respond.), the Goon alone is left to head to a graveyard confrontation.

Once there, the vampire dame seduces him, yet in the seduction, she sees the overwhelming saddness in his heart, and is overcome with love and pity, shrinking back into her grave. As the Goon uncovers her and raises an iron spike, her decaying corpse calls out, 'Only the one I love.'

To so efficiently bring the story to such a complex climax is excellent writing. To further have it reveal so much about the characters is poetry. Powell so effectively breeds horror, humor, and sadness in his comic, it's worth Number 9 after a single issue.




To continue the list, click here.

Number 3: Top Ten Comicbooks by Title/Series/Arc

Jack has sent the word, so without further ado I'm skipping ahead to set down my list of the Top Ten Comics that I've read in 2004. Keep in mind, this list includes comics from ten years ago that I just discovered in the last twelve months.

Because this is a less specific list (about titles more generally), there is a certain lack of detail in some of the entries. My next comic list will confront just those comics that have been released in 2004, and be much more specific on the details that make them so excellent.

Here goes . . .


Number 10: Powers - Who Killed Retro Girl?
Brian Michael Bendis and Mike Avon Oeming.

I was introduced to this title by Jack. It's the title that really put Brian Bendis on the map (his breakthrough work, if you will), and for good reason! It's a crime drama, set in a world of super-powered beings, following two cops who work in a 'powers' related crime unit. Their first investigation: the murder of one of the most well-loved superheroines ever - Retro Girl.

The novelty of this title lies in underused approach of writing the comic world from the perspective of people without powers. Instead of the normal 'go-out-and-fight-the-bad-guy' or even the Batman 'figure-out-who-the-bad-guy-is-then-fight-him' style, we get a gritty, well-dialogued, crime-drama.

Plus Bendis is a genious. Seriously.


Number 9: Batman - Hush.
Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee.

So, I've never really read DC titles before. To me, they often seem too wordy and contrived. Too much of the story is told through inner-dialogue, which can slow the pacing to a dull mope. And beyond that, most DC charaters are dated and contrived themselves.

But this story was needed slap-in-the-face. Batman was brought back to his old-school fundamentals: the moody detective who vows vengance on criminals everywhere. Almost every major Bat-foe was drug out for this one - from Poison Ivy to Catwoman to the Joker - and each issue left us on edge for the next - all the way until the final, true villain was revealed. And more to the point, this seemed a classic detective story, with each issue bringing us to a new, mystifying piece of the puzzle.

Finally, as if the story wasn't enough, Jim Lee drew the Dark Night in all of his grim glory. In one moment, he had Batman's cape blending to the shadows around his feet as he stood, shrouded overlooking a dark alleyway, then he'd fling the cape out against the sky as Batman descended on the villian below.

Beautiful.


Number 8: (Marvel Knights) Daredevil.
Brian Micheal Bendis and Alex Maleev.

This book is another innovation from Bendis. This time, he's taken the hero of Hell's Kitchen and plunged him into everything from news scandals to gang wars. I think Bendis' strengths lie in his ability to bring these stories to human levels. By that, I mean that he creates characters and situations that actually seem more human and more identifiable that what you might normally find in a comic. The dialogue is flawed, the characters are riddled with doubt and fear, and these things create and amplify the conflict that happens.

Plus the stories themselves strait rock! And when it's all filled with the gritty art of Alex Maleev, this book begins to approach true art.


Number 7: Marvel Knights Spiderman.
Mark Millar and the Dodsons.

This book is truly about the writing. The Marvel Knights line is meant to be a more mature take on the normal Marvel universe. For me, the moment Millar has Electro killing little kids as he all-out dominates Spidey, we get that this is a more scary version of things.

In fact, having Spiderman get the absolute shit kicked out of him for the entire first four issues does that pretty well. And it sets this title off to have a little more tension than you normally get.

I'm still waiting for the conclusion, and I can bet that Millar isn't going to dissapoint.


Number 6: New X-Men.
Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.

Morrison is one strange fuck. But it works.

For years, the X-Men have seemed in a rut, with no real change or development that seemed to last. In this series, Morrison splits long-standing relationships and pitts the mighty mutants against some of their toughest dilemnas.

And then he kills Magneto. Twice.

That part was awesome by the way. And makes it worth mentioning that Chris Claremont's Excalibur title tops the 'Worst Ever' list for actually having the idiocy of bringing back the master of magnetism. That seriously pissed me off. I hate you Chris Claremont.

But back on topic - New X-Men made the X-Men real characters. They had depth again - from gloomy Beast, further mutated into a form more fitting to his name - to Professor X, struggling with his dark past and sinister doppleganger - Morrison was bringing the characters alive with snappy dialogue and smart development. Even if his stories were completely bizzarre.


Number 5: The Ultimates, Volume 1.
Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch.

Ultimates is probably the darkest of the Ultimate Marvel line. This retelling of the Avengers made me actually respect Captain America, which is worth something.

Completely well-written (Millar again), and with the incredible art of Bryan Hitch, Ultimates is a winner five times over.


Number 4: Hellboy - Wake the Devil.
Mike Mignola.

I have seriously fallen in love with Mignola. Hellboy himself is like Indiana Jones crossed with Satan. And as for a bad guy, how much more classic can you get than teaming Nazis with ancient, evil space squids?

Wake the Devil, in particular, is near poetic. Fighting an ancient vampire, Nazi fanatics, and a Roman Goddess all in one go is intense enough. But Mignola effectively takes it further, testing Hellboy's heroic nature with one of the all-time greatest 'heroic choice' moments I've ever seen in my entire life. Of course, to make sense of it, you might need to read the previous stories (Seed of Destruction, The Chained Coffin), but those are nearly as beautiful.

And I have to note the art. The amazing, amazing art. Mignola, to me, is the Mahler of the graphic novel. His art is stunning, with a subtle complexity that is easily overlooked, and almost a life of its own. I have the oversized Art of Hellboy book, and I look through it about once a week.

Much like Jeff Tweedy is to Jackson, Mignola is my comicbook man-crush.


Number 3: Astonishing X-Men.
Joss Whedon and John Cassaday.

When I first heard that the creator of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer was going to be writing the newest X-Men title, I cringed. Honestly. I really was never a fan of Buffy, and I felt that bringing any tv writer to write my favorite heroes was a recipe for certain doom.

And then I read Astonishing X-Men.

This is the most amazing comic Marvel has produced in a long while. I'm serious about this. The dialogue is extreemely smart, the characters are highly compelling (and true to what I dream of them to be), and each issue leaves me salivating for more.

The opening arc, Gifted, has the single most amazing moment in comics this year. I'll tell more on the next list.


Number 2: Y - The Last Man.
Brian K Vaughn and Pia Guerra.

What a freaking masterpiece. Brian Vaughn lays down the story of Yorick Brown - the only survivor of an apparent plaugue that's wiped out every man on earth. Litterally, Yorick and his pet monkey Ampersand are the only male mammals left on earth. Yorick only wants to get to his girlfriend, Beth, in Australia, but in his way stand Amazons, ex-cons, and Republicans. And, of course, his crucial role in the salvation of humankind.

The script is super witty, the story crazy fun. As John Munn (the owner of my local comic shop) puts it, "Y - The Last Man is comic crack."


Number 1: Planetary.
Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, and Laura Martin.

Holy shit. This book is the reason god created comics (Wizard says it's Y, but I strongly dissagree).

At first, each issue seems disconnected. Tied together only by the three characters that are investigating each mystery. Soon enough, however, you see that there is indeed a greater narrative at work. In fact, a narrative that draws on the mysterious main character's forgotten history.

At issue 21, Planetary is already a masterpiece. Cassaday's art is stunning. Ellis' writing is stunning. This book is godly.

And there it is. Now, check out what Jack has to say . . .

Number 6.5: New Year's Resolutions

Ok. So, realizing that I was ranting an awful lot about my slavery and monoculture pet-peeves (see below), I want to counter that with a few small ideas of what I see as being solutions. In other words, while I frown on the listed examples of slavery to the monoculture, I also have these other things which I admire in people, and which I think are effective ways to break yourself from monoculture bondage and become and all-around better person.

In a list format . .


Support Progressive Charity Organizations:

Instead of spending your money on the latest gadget, the newest fleece, or the biggest car, find ways to be thrifty, and with the money leftover, help make the world better. Buy a llama for a Peruvian farmer. Take a day off work and help harvest an organic farm. Tutor a kid whose parents could care less.

These things not only help the world (rather than inadvertently corrupt or destroy it as slaves to the monoculture do), but they enrich you as a person.


Excercise and Activity:

Hike through the woods instead of just driving there. Walk or bike to the store as much as possible. You can help preserve the earth, and at the same time, get your energy and physical health way up.


Write a Letter:

Keep in contact with your friends and family in a way that's more meaningful and permanent than electronic communication.

Write your local congresman and involve yourself in reshaping the political process (by advocating real change).


Read:

Learn more about whatever it is you're supporting. Figure out where the money goes once you spend it on a certain product.

Reading and learning helps raise your general awareness and gives you the potential to be a positive force in shaping the world that we share.


Ditch the Stuff:

Like I said before - get rid of the gadgets, the cars, and the new jackets that you think you need. You'll realize that life is much happier when you aren't so greedy, you brat.


If anyone has any other ideas for this, please feel free to shout them out. I think we can all use some positivity. Especially me after spending a two-and-a-half hours typing all this.


This is all way too long . . .

Number 6: Top Ten Slaves to the Monoculture

This list may need a bit of an explanation. After all, I think it's the most embittered of any I'm doing.

Last spring, Lindsey, Mark, and Johnny were all in a senior seminar together called 'Informed Seeing' or some crap like that. Basically, it was meant to show the different ways in which 'fact' can be colored by opinion.

A specific example they looked at in class for a while was that of the state of modern agriculture. This unit considered the different opinions on farming techniques, and moreso, was a soapbox for their prof to feed them her opinion on organic farming. One book they read, Fatal Harvest, used the term 'Monoculture' to refer to the evil dominance of massive, industrial farming.

From there, 'monoculture' found its way into common use around the house. Especially in the phrase 'You're a slave to the Monoculture, ______!' It's initial use, perhaps was only in instances where one of us bought a non-organic fruit. As the semester progressed, however, this began to find use in other realms: when someone would buy expensive, trendy clothes, refuse to cut class, or watch 'Friends.'

You can see how this developed.

In this list, specifically, I'm considering different types of people or different characteristics that display a certain lack of insight, intelligence, and thoughtfulness. As you'll see, they start out a bit more general, then focus on more specific instances of sheer ignorance and stupidity. I think you'll get the idea once I start the listing.

And with that, let the flaming begin . . .


Number 10: 'The Swan'

I nearly puked when I first heard of this show. They take ugly girls, turn them beautiful with all sorts of surgery, and pit them against each other in a beauty pagent.

To start out with, anyone who thinks this show innovative or even slightly entertaining is a complete slave to the monoculture of reality tv. This show epitomizes the sickness that is our world's 'barbie/beauty obsession.' If one end of the spectrum is PAX, which features shows celebrating the happy diversity of the world, then this is it's insanely fucked up, evil step-father.

The other beef I have with the show is about the contestants themselves. How enslaved do you have to be to actually be on this show?! Holy shit!


Number 9: The Two-Party System.

That's right, I helped the Green Party get that 3% in Washington in 2000.

Anyone who fully believes in our current system of two parties should be registered for deportation. It's nothing but a matrix-style semblance of a choice that keeps us content in the fact that we're slaves to the political monoculture.


Number 8: Shopaholics.

I don't know why anyone needs to buy new clothes before their current wardrobe begins to wear out. Especially when we're talking about fancy fleece jackets: there's never a need to buy one every six months, dear.

Mostly, this item has to do with the blind slavery that can often come with blind affluence. From those kids with parents in the medical field/executives of a global magnate who have never been shown where real money comes from, you end up with the Paris Hiltons of the world. Ugly boys and girls (they never really grow up) who have not even the slightest notion of what it means to earn their keep.

And from that, we get the social status of Nike, NorthFace, and Abercrombie. We get the salivating slaves that watch MTV and wish they had the style of these celebrities who perpetuate the monoculture of pop-culture and consumer society (those two are innevitably linked).


Number 7: Yankees.

This is a ballclub that has money and knows what to do with it. This is a ballclub that is all about selling ballcaps in as many colors as it has all-star players.

Wearing a Twins hat says something about where your loyalty lies. At the very least, it says something about the kind of sport you follow.

Wearing a Yankees hat, on the other hand, is a trend. It says something about how you think you look in a baseball hat, and nothing about whether or not you've even watched a game in your life. It says something about your blindness to the corporate force that you're a slave to by putting your money toward such an evil empire.


Number 6: Hummers.

This is about practically anyone who thinks an SUV is an essential car for an outdoor enthusiast.

These cars chew the most gas, spewing the most toxins into the air, soil, and water, and sucking up more natural resources than anything else on the road. Did you know that if everyone who owned an SUV switched to a Prius, the US would no longer be dependant on foreign oil?

Yet, we have these idiots who think they need a new Expedition in order to make it out to the woods. Instead, they're slaves to the monoculture that's destroying the very ideal of wilderness that they would escape to.


Number 5: The Abortion Vote.

Anyone who decides they're going to vote based on a candidate's stance on abortion should be beaten like a red-headed stepchild. There's a hell-of-a-lot more to politics than whether we feel an unborn child is a human or not.

These slaves are blinded by the relative dilution of other issues. That, or they're just not taking the time and brainpower to look into what a certain political stance will actually do to change our world. How about voting on social measures that improve the common well-being rather than forming tunnel-vision on an issue that's more individually defined anyway?

Voting based on abortion is like choosing a bike based on how the seat feels.


Number 4: Cell-Phone Memories.

You knew cell phones would be in here.

When I say memory, I'm equating the memory capability of the phone to its user. Example: that guy at the grocery store on the phone because he can't remember if his girlfriend had sent him out for apples or bananas. Have we completely forgotten the concept of grocery lists?

Better example: that lady at the museum who wants to buy a membership but can't remember her home phone number because her cell-phone battery died.

How idiotic is that? How has someone become so reliant on their phone, that they wouldn't even be able to call their own children without it?

We've slipped so far into dull acceptance for cell-phones and the idiots that use them, it makes me sick.

What twisted kind of slave thinks that he has the phone in his car 'just in case' he gets into an accident, but amost causes five of them while he's on the phone as he drives?

A cell-phone monoculture slave, that's what kind.


Number 3: Goth/Punks.

Sorry Jack, but that girl in high school who went to prom in a tux (and her date in a dress) still served me popcorn every time I went to an AMC movie.

This is the anti-slave slave. They think they're breaking the mold. That they're finding a way to show how much they're above the ignorance and idiocy of mainstream monoculture. Instead, they hit the opposite extreme: becoming slaves to the counter-monoculture.

And seriously, don't they all have jobs at McDonalds anyway?


Number 2: Health-Club Princess Parking.

These are the morons who circle around the lot five times, waiting for that perfect spot right near the front door of the club. Take your big Hummer to the back of the lot, and walk your lazy ass to the door! Is that too extreme of a warm-up before you hit the treadmill?!

This is where a specific instance of ignorance reaches sheer stupidity. It's like when we were little kids, and fought for that special status that the front seat of the car gave us. What does finding that prime parking spot gain you?

But that's the point, it's mindless, thoughtless slavery.


Number 1: Grocery Bags for Gumsticks.

Ok, you know when you go to the grocery store and get, like, a single banana? Why the hell do you need a bag, jackass?!

Like the princess parking, this is one of those things that they don't even think about: it's so engrained in us to carry our grocery spoils out to the car in a bag, that we don't even think to think about the fact that it's a complete waste.

Yet, where does that damn bag go when you get home? The garbage! This one seems so straitforeward to me, I don't even have to explain it.


The End.




Adendum: To hear my own rebuttal to this list, check out my New Year's Resolutions.