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Number 6: Top Ten Slaves to the Monoculture

This list may need a bit of an explanation. After all, I think it's the most embittered of any I'm doing.

Last spring, Lindsey, Mark, and Johnny were all in a senior seminar together called 'Informed Seeing' or some crap like that. Basically, it was meant to show the different ways in which 'fact' can be colored by opinion.

A specific example they looked at in class for a while was that of the state of modern agriculture. This unit considered the different opinions on farming techniques, and moreso, was a soapbox for their prof to feed them her opinion on organic farming. One book they read, Fatal Harvest, used the term 'Monoculture' to refer to the evil dominance of massive, industrial farming.

From there, 'monoculture' found its way into common use around the house. Especially in the phrase 'You're a slave to the Monoculture, ______!' It's initial use, perhaps was only in instances where one of us bought a non-organic fruit. As the semester progressed, however, this began to find use in other realms: when someone would buy expensive, trendy clothes, refuse to cut class, or watch 'Friends.'

You can see how this developed.

In this list, specifically, I'm considering different types of people or different characteristics that display a certain lack of insight, intelligence, and thoughtfulness. As you'll see, they start out a bit more general, then focus on more specific instances of sheer ignorance and stupidity. I think you'll get the idea once I start the listing.

And with that, let the flaming begin . . .


Number 10: 'The Swan'

I nearly puked when I first heard of this show. They take ugly girls, turn them beautiful with all sorts of surgery, and pit them against each other in a beauty pagent.

To start out with, anyone who thinks this show innovative or even slightly entertaining is a complete slave to the monoculture of reality tv. This show epitomizes the sickness that is our world's 'barbie/beauty obsession.' If one end of the spectrum is PAX, which features shows celebrating the happy diversity of the world, then this is it's insanely fucked up, evil step-father.

The other beef I have with the show is about the contestants themselves. How enslaved do you have to be to actually be on this show?! Holy shit!


Number 9: The Two-Party System.

That's right, I helped the Green Party get that 3% in Washington in 2000.

Anyone who fully believes in our current system of two parties should be registered for deportation. It's nothing but a matrix-style semblance of a choice that keeps us content in the fact that we're slaves to the political monoculture.


Number 8: Shopaholics.

I don't know why anyone needs to buy new clothes before their current wardrobe begins to wear out. Especially when we're talking about fancy fleece jackets: there's never a need to buy one every six months, dear.

Mostly, this item has to do with the blind slavery that can often come with blind affluence. From those kids with parents in the medical field/executives of a global magnate who have never been shown where real money comes from, you end up with the Paris Hiltons of the world. Ugly boys and girls (they never really grow up) who have not even the slightest notion of what it means to earn their keep.

And from that, we get the social status of Nike, NorthFace, and Abercrombie. We get the salivating slaves that watch MTV and wish they had the style of these celebrities who perpetuate the monoculture of pop-culture and consumer society (those two are innevitably linked).


Number 7: Yankees.

This is a ballclub that has money and knows what to do with it. This is a ballclub that is all about selling ballcaps in as many colors as it has all-star players.

Wearing a Twins hat says something about where your loyalty lies. At the very least, it says something about the kind of sport you follow.

Wearing a Yankees hat, on the other hand, is a trend. It says something about how you think you look in a baseball hat, and nothing about whether or not you've even watched a game in your life. It says something about your blindness to the corporate force that you're a slave to by putting your money toward such an evil empire.


Number 6: Hummers.

This is about practically anyone who thinks an SUV is an essential car for an outdoor enthusiast.

These cars chew the most gas, spewing the most toxins into the air, soil, and water, and sucking up more natural resources than anything else on the road. Did you know that if everyone who owned an SUV switched to a Prius, the US would no longer be dependant on foreign oil?

Yet, we have these idiots who think they need a new Expedition in order to make it out to the woods. Instead, they're slaves to the monoculture that's destroying the very ideal of wilderness that they would escape to.


Number 5: The Abortion Vote.

Anyone who decides they're going to vote based on a candidate's stance on abortion should be beaten like a red-headed stepchild. There's a hell-of-a-lot more to politics than whether we feel an unborn child is a human or not.

These slaves are blinded by the relative dilution of other issues. That, or they're just not taking the time and brainpower to look into what a certain political stance will actually do to change our world. How about voting on social measures that improve the common well-being rather than forming tunnel-vision on an issue that's more individually defined anyway?

Voting based on abortion is like choosing a bike based on how the seat feels.


Number 4: Cell-Phone Memories.

You knew cell phones would be in here.

When I say memory, I'm equating the memory capability of the phone to its user. Example: that guy at the grocery store on the phone because he can't remember if his girlfriend had sent him out for apples or bananas. Have we completely forgotten the concept of grocery lists?

Better example: that lady at the museum who wants to buy a membership but can't remember her home phone number because her cell-phone battery died.

How idiotic is that? How has someone become so reliant on their phone, that they wouldn't even be able to call their own children without it?

We've slipped so far into dull acceptance for cell-phones and the idiots that use them, it makes me sick.

What twisted kind of slave thinks that he has the phone in his car 'just in case' he gets into an accident, but amost causes five of them while he's on the phone as he drives?

A cell-phone monoculture slave, that's what kind.


Number 3: Goth/Punks.

Sorry Jack, but that girl in high school who went to prom in a tux (and her date in a dress) still served me popcorn every time I went to an AMC movie.

This is the anti-slave slave. They think they're breaking the mold. That they're finding a way to show how much they're above the ignorance and idiocy of mainstream monoculture. Instead, they hit the opposite extreme: becoming slaves to the counter-monoculture.

And seriously, don't they all have jobs at McDonalds anyway?


Number 2: Health-Club Princess Parking.

These are the morons who circle around the lot five times, waiting for that perfect spot right near the front door of the club. Take your big Hummer to the back of the lot, and walk your lazy ass to the door! Is that too extreme of a warm-up before you hit the treadmill?!

This is where a specific instance of ignorance reaches sheer stupidity. It's like when we were little kids, and fought for that special status that the front seat of the car gave us. What does finding that prime parking spot gain you?

But that's the point, it's mindless, thoughtless slavery.


Number 1: Grocery Bags for Gumsticks.

Ok, you know when you go to the grocery store and get, like, a single banana? Why the hell do you need a bag, jackass?!

Like the princess parking, this is one of those things that they don't even think about: it's so engrained in us to carry our grocery spoils out to the car in a bag, that we don't even think to think about the fact that it's a complete waste.

Yet, where does that damn bag go when you get home? The garbage! This one seems so straitforeward to me, I don't even have to explain it.


The End.




Adendum: To hear my own rebuttal to this list, check out my New Year's Resolutions.